It’s felt like a busy week or so for me, even though it probably wouldn’t be considered that for an average person.
As I explained, I had the cinema on Tuesday, but I also had to see the OT & the volunteer coordinator on Wednesday, and then a full day volunteer training course on Thursday.
I was on a high seeing the OT this particular morning as I had just went to the cinema by myself the day before. I discussed the good stuff and also the slight negative of struggling to keep up with the meditation after doing it consistently for a week or two. I just didn’t feel like it was making a difference, plus I felt like a bit of an idiot doing it so I just stopped.
She gave me another breathing exercise to do instead; it’s not meditation but it’s supposed to relax you a little when you’re actually in the stressful situations. It’s called 7-11 breathing and it is what it says it is. You breath in to the count of seven, then out to the count of 11. It’s mainly about having a longer out-breath than in-breath, so if the counts too long for you then something of a similar ratio can also be done.
Don’t always breath like this, it’s just 1-4 breaths to calm yourself then back to normal.
I had two appointments that day which were 3 1/2hrs apart, but in buildings right next to one another. I decided that instead of going home I would go to the local library with TKAM and read.
I wandered around looking for somewhere more secluded to sit when I first went in but because I wanted to stop drawing attention to myself, I just sat where there were empty seats. Unfortunately this was right next to a bathroom… Just after I came in, some old guy used the toilet for 15 mins and the smell was ridiculous. Someone had to come in and clean afterwards. I wish I could have just walked to another seat. People must have been looking, thinking WTF am I still sitting there for.
Anyway, I was proud of myself for reading in a tiny library for a few hours.
Setting up the volunteering was next. It went fine. I was comfortable talking to the woman for some reason. I think some people can seem so lost within their own minds that it is easier to talk to them. I did completely forget about references though. I just assumed they weren’t necessary for volunteering, especially when they knew of my MH. The worst part was it had to be at least six months of knowing the person for a reference to count and my jobs were only for a month each, so I couldn’t use anyone from there. Fortunately my university lecturer said I could use him last year so that’s one. I didn’t contact him to say that someone would be in touch but there’s not much I can do about it now. Hopefully he hasn’t forgot who I am since.
I’m not going to talk about what the volunteering involves yet, but I will say a few things about the volunteering training day.
When the training leader first started talking she instantly asked for us to introduce ourselves to the group and I was first. It was a bit of a rabbit in the headlights moment but I got through it as it was only about 10 seconds worth of talking. People couldn’t hear me talking some of the time in the room because my voice is apparently so quiet/monotone, but I don’t think I can go any louder without literally shouting and sounding like a sarcastic prick.
The worst part of the day was when we took a break for lunch and went outside for a look around the local area. There were 10 people including the leader of the training and I ended up walking by myself while everyone else had conversations. How is that even possible? We just took the first few steps on the pavement and all of a sudden there were 3 pairs, one group of three and I was by myself. I just don’t understand how to talk to people.
I think it’s partly a ‘chicken and egg’ situation i.e. you can’t have conversations unless you have friends/life experiences, and you can’t make friends/life experinces unless you have conversations. I don’t know how to break the cycle.
The volunteering will also involve a lot of long conversations with several strangers so I though this was a good test for me and I failed pretty miserably. We were out for about 30 mins and I was conversing for about 5-10 mins of it thanks to one of the women seeing that I was by myself and talking to me about holidays etc.
I really need to learn how to have a conversation with strangers but I don’t know where to begin. When I’m out walking the dogs with my sister and her boyfriend I just say random things like, “Can you think of a song with your name in it?”, or “Let’s have a quiz!”. If I did that with I stranger they would run for the hills.
It is said that most people love to talk about themselves and I think this is true. Not all people though. I couldn’t just start talking about the book that I’ve just read about the environment or science, or even how much I love american football, because I know no one is interested to hear that. But WTF do they want to talk about? Even talking on forums is impossible.
I searched for ‘how to have conversations social anxiety’ on Google and it gave some step by step guides.
One said find out things about the people you’ll be talking to from their social media accounts but don’t do it too much as that’ll be considered creepy. Then ask them where they see themselves in five years…. Another site said the exact opposite, just give yourself three seconds to walk up to someone and then go with a completely blank head, hoping everything works OK.
No matter how much I push myself I will always have the quiet and boring tag attached to me.
I have had my first day of volunteering btw. It was unbelievably crap but as I said above, I will wait a while before I post about it.
I was unsure whether to tell anyone in my family that I went to the cinema by myself last week because I didn’t know what they’d say. The topic of Ted 2 came up after my sis and her boyfriend went to see it and I decided to tell them that I went to see it too. My sister asked who I went with and after I said nobody, she decided at this point to shout “loner!” at me.
If I had three wishes, one of them would probably be to give people more emotional intelligence. People should know automatically that it’s not okay to call someone who has no friends, a loner. It really doesn’t help.
I remember once, my best friend phoned me when I was 13. He asked if I would come with him to the army cadets once as his dad was forcing him to go. I didn’t exactly have concrete beliefs yet at that age but I was aware that the disciplined nature of that kind of place was not for me. Back to the story. My friend asked if I would go and I said I wasn’t sure. He then said, “I’ve already asked X, Y, & Z and they said no.” 😦
Are people actually that stupid that they don’t realise it’s not okay to tell someone that you’re their last option!?
I think my number one requirement for friends/GF in the future, is somebody with emotional intelligence/empathy. They don’t have to be perfect, but they should have that little voice in the back of their head that filters out the things that could hurt people, if said.
I’m struggling with my weight again. After putting on 21lbs in a year, I’ve now lost 8lbs in the past four months and it’s just going to keep going down the more active I get. I don’t understand where people get their high calorie meals from, especially since I’m trying (not very well) to eat a little healthier too.